For an old friend

-Thoughts from 1995-2000.  I would like to dedicate this story to John Ledford.

I suppose it was inevitable.  From the start, I knew he was going to be a victim.  I was accidentally pulled in by him upon the steady glances we constantly exchanged.  There was always tension, always an unspoken understanding as the years progressed.  I don’t and cannot dwell on the past so I will refrain from memory dwelling.

I always knew that given this strange gift, that it would lead me to seek him.  To snatch him out of his hum drum life.  His eyes had seemed to beg for this on many occasions.  I could finally change our destinies.

My stomach twists and turns as I approach his home.  There was a very comforting familiarity to the night air.  I had waited so long for this gift and now to share it with my secret companion.  Nothing forbidden anymore.  Society could not frown on what they would never see from this night forward.

I am not sure how I even found his house.  I had never been there before.  I just knew by sensation.  The intuition I had was extremely intense and sensitive now.  I followed my intuition and searched until I felt his presence.  Some things needed no explanation, they just were, he too noticed this between us.  I was so eager to take him.

I evaluated how to creep into that place.  There they slept.  It was so simple, a matter of easing an old window open.  The slight tug at a slippery ribbon which binds a present.  That is all.  I imagined how ridiculous I must have appeared as I gazed at him for a bit.  So close now.  His life, altered forever after this.  I approached him as he seemed to stir.  I knew I would not have to say a word.  I placed a hand on his jaw and touched my thumb to his lips.  His eyes opened abruptly.  As if saying, hush, he understood.  He was given the chance now to flee from his existence.  I said very close to him, “do you understand?”  He reached an arm up to my hand and firmly with his touch I knew he did.  He knew exactly what was happening.  With no effort he seemed willing to leave that place, to leaver her in that bed alone.  He seemed so pleased to see me.  It was very surreal, like a dream being acted out.

It was growing cool in that room and I wanted him to leave with me before she awoke.  For what a surprise she was in for.  Did he notice a change in me?  Was my skin shocking or my eyes?  No explanations yet, just come with me.  So he did.  He carefully rose up out of his safe place to face his chance to escape completely now.  He wrapped his thin arms around me and I felt reassured as usual.  Melting again in his embrace.  These embraces were so beautiful and tight.  Long, lingering hold.  This beautiful intensity, I would steal and keep to myself.  I could share him no longer.

We quickly escaped from there.  Where was I to make him?  Would he regret it?  I wanted to take him to New Orleans, his first experience and also a new beginning.  A new birth for both of us.

When we arrived in New Orleans, I welcomed that sweet perfume again.  The rains of the season had left a fresh coat on the empty streets.  It was very late.  All I knew was that I had been tempted by him for so long and the rush I felt was overpowering me now.  These awkward little moments.  When he pulled me to him and told me how long he had wanted and hoped for me, I wanted him to release this.  His eyes were still filled with agony.  With each stroke of his hand on my face and a kiss on my forehead I grew, I needed.  The love I felt for him was tragic.  I wanted to share myself with him.  I suddenly found myself gripping at him and tasting him under my lips.  He was so beautiful.  Forgive me I pleaded.

He held me firmly and I ripped into him.  He pulsed with me and we fell to the ground on our knees.  I wanted to consume him, completely.  This fluid every bit as intense as I expected from this beautiful soul.  He let me do this.  He pulled me to him and encouraged me.  Gush forth this hot liquid into my mouth as I licked at him.  What a beautiful beast he would soon be.  He was already fighting animal instincts, he needed release.

As he was tugging at me and my clothing desperately searching for a spot of my flesh to open, I was in a fever.   He could naturally follow his gut and have what he wanted.  I held his head as he looked up at me, the blood smeared along his sweet chin and lips.  He wanted the taste so much.  He was biting hard at the flesh below my stomach, twisting and tearing.  Finally with a hunger so strong he tore into me and I found myself up against his face, my arms wrapped around his head.  What have I unleashed?

I loved his fury, this pain and anger.  He was illuminated.  Eyes full with tears and that unspoken understanding.  With it, a new bond.  His eyes once again piercing my soul, my insides were one with his.  He felt rage and so did I.

I think we were in that spot for hours but I did not know, nor did I care because time which had mattered so much before, was nothing now.  Now, he was preserved in his beauty.  Timeless and ageless.  So was I.  Now we knew we could finally be with each other and without worry or limit.  We had the world and I had so much to show him.  I was amazed how he clung to me still after he finished me.  I stroked his head and whispered, “no worries and no regrets”.

fading

we sit at the stoplight and I gaze blankly at a building in the distance.

daylight is fading.  that time of year when it gets dark at four, except it is cloudy and darker than usual.   the time of day which is the most beautiful, yet the most fleeting.   twilight.

it was always a time of heightened awareness to me.  my senses like that of a creature setting out into the evening to hunt.   i always wondered where that came from. 

rush hour traffic again.  we barrel down the highway.  we left way too late. 

the rain trickles down the windshield and lights from the city and other cars refract into a zillion tiny dots.

in an instant.  a sound so loud.  a force so great.  glass sprays everywhere and simultaneously i feel my ribs crush all at once.

twitching,
fading,
static.

i just stare.

i can feel something tickling my forehead…what is that?

falling or floating, i can’t really tell.  i can’t feel myself.  i can’t move.  i think of my two cats.  my heart aches.

am i fighting?  am i letting go?  i cannot tell what is happening, i just feel tremendous worry and a sense of urgency but is it pointless?  i just wait.  i am waiting.  sleeping, it feels like sleeping.  this must be a joke. 

 

all i can hear is that rain, or a kind of static. 

Mmmmmm.

clear as a bell!!!!  so deep in my head!  it jolts me, this raspy voice in my ear.   i could feel the warmth of it.  someone’s breath in my ear.  i heard that right?
i really heard that… i think.  i was not imagining it. 

i open my eyes and gasp for air.  terrified.

afterlife

your festering love grabs at my face.

 

i clench my jaw and your fingers dig deeper.

you want to destroy me and i need for you to that much more

 

the rain pours on our faces

your face bleeds,

your eyes run into black pools

 

destroy me…i want you to, i want you to.

 

that blade catches my throat and you are thrilled at the sight of it
you jog and stomp your feet in place,
laughing and spewing rainwater in my face.

 

TAKE IT!!!!                i shout in your face.

the blade starts to part the flesh but you just giggle maniacally,
snap the knife back and gaze in a fever at the red mess dripping off the metal.

 

you groan at me and then press the damn thing up to your lip.

Hometown Blues

anxiety riddled, i can’t breathe. 
so many ghosts here, my gut twists in knots.

you make me want to cry.

i wish i could take your hurt and i am sorry that i left.
as we sit in silence, it hurts me that much more,
but nothing is said about it and we move on like we did before.

i can’t help but feel awful, i hate how i have to leave.
as i drive home down haunted streets,
every thing and place holds a tale or memory.

the difference is that you can’t leave it.

it feels so sad to me,

that i can escape this haunted place,

and you can’t seem to get free.

metalshop whore

familiar wind, twist in gut

night again, same time, same place

anticipate, want

rush

shuffle, push, gather

panic

pull it open, so eager

hands crave filth, give me

sweet iron, intoxicates

eyes follow, predatory

exchange and hope

chase, tease, beg

heat it, meld it, watch me, watch me

grease clings on arms

dust covered passes me by

hang on every word

never end

please don’t end

Did it get darker in here or is it just me?

dark, negative, angry, and moody…

these are words that people typically use to describe me.

To me, those words really mean:

real, honest, passionate and sensative…