I once used to pass by an abandoned building in the winter on a busy street in this city.  A cold rainy night just like this, I would raise my eyes to the sky and look to its spires.  Envision myself standing on the roof gazing into the night.   I was invisible and I hunted, I watched people move about the streets like mice.

I wondered my favorite cemeteries when the weather was like this.   An overwhelming presence consoled me here.  I felt acceptance and I felt at peace.  With each step I would sink into the soggy ground.  Slush and mud enveloped each meandering path and swallowed each stone.  Was I being watched from the woods beyond stone wall?

I can recall being in a seaside town on a night just like tonight where you could look out while rain pelted your face at the fast moving orange clouds.  Buoys or fog horns bellowed periodically as if to beckon one nearer.  I loved to walk the neighborhoods at this time.  They were peaceful with residents’ safe inside while no one else but I prowled those hilly roads.  The ocean was usually calmer on these dreary eves, slowly lapping at the sea cliffs.  I could walk the sea wall along the entire town and see the city in the distance illuminate the clouds with that orange glow.   Violate the vulnerable and open cemetery perched high on the grassy hill.  Stretch my gaze over the entire landscape from this height.  Feel the mist cling to my clothing and walk on damp earth.  I could come down from the hill and skulk around the lower, darkest portions of tree lined streets.  Unkempt vines and shrubs could be used as cover if needed.  The silence felt so thick and the comfort of my surroundings was so great.  The night walk would rise and fall, rise and fall just like the sea it partnered beside.

I find trouble…tall and dark trouble.  I would see him occasionally on the street, talking to gangs of equally troubled looking characters.  Smoking and with creased face he would glance at me, exhaling as if acknowledging me.  His pale flesh resembled moonlight hitting the whitest of stones.  I knew.   Unfortunately, as soon as I first saw him, I knew.  This would be the beginning.

Each time I arrive home I have to walk through corridors of flickering fluorescent lights which tint the dirty white walls a sickly color green.  Putrid, directional, yellow stripes of grime painted the walls like sad lines to nowhere.  My feet are covered in the filth of the day, my sandals forever stained by the street.  I don’t want to go home; I try to pass the time walking slowly up and down the halls before I enter.    This is so bad…so very bad.

The house nearby was famous for the slaughter which took place in it years ago.  It was a draw to the local youth.  It was perched on such a steep hillside; it seemed like something out of a Dr. Seuss book.  The house was like a tiered wedding cake or a stack of rusty tin cans leaning over and ready to collapse.  Rotting wood staircases followed zigzag patterns up the side.  A weathered Victorian, so decayed it was nearly impossible to imagine that it could have ever been a suitable home for a family.  It seemed as though the sun never shone on it because it maintained a dark brown color which added to its foreboding presence.

I suppose it was inevitable.  From the start, I knew he was going to be a victim.  I was accidentally pulled in by him upon the steady glances we constantly exchanged.  There was always tension, always an unspoken understanding as the years progressed.  I don’t and cannot dwell on the past so I will refrain from memory dwelling.

I always knew that given this strange gift, that it would lead me to seek him.  To snatch him out of his hum drum life.  His eyes had seemed to beg for this on many occasions.  I could finally change our destinies.

My stomach twists and turns as I approach his home.  There was a very comforting familiarity to the night air.  I had waited so long for this gift and now to share it with my secret companion.  Nothing forbidden anymore.  Society could not frown on what they would never see from this night forward.

I am not sure how I even found his house.  I had never been there before.  I just knew by sensation.  The intuition I had was extremely intense and sensitive now.  I followed my intuition and searched until I felt his presence.  Some things needed no explanation, they just were, he too noticed this between us.  I was so eager to take him.

I evaluated how to creep into that place.  There they slept.  It was so simple, a matter of easing an old window open.  The slight tug at a slippery ribbon which binds a present.  That is all.  I imagined how ridiculous I must have appeared as I gazed at him for a bit.  So close now.  His life, altered forever after this.  I approached him as he seemed to stir.  I knew I would not have to say a word.  I placed a hand on his jaw and touched my thumb to his lips.  His eyes opened abruptly.  As if saying, hush, he understood.  He was given the chance now to flee from his existence.  I said very close to him, “do you understand?”  He reached an arm up to my hand and firmly with his touch I knew he did.  He knew exactly what was happening.  With no effort he seemed willing to leave that place, to leaver her in that bed alone.  He seemed so pleased to see me.  It was very surreal, like a dream being acted out.

It was growing cool in that room and I wanted him to leave with me before she awoke.  For what a surprise she was in for.  Did he notice a change in me?  Was my skin shocking or my eyes?  No explanations yet, just come with me.  So he did.  He carefully rose up out of his safe place to face his chance to escape completely now.  He wrapped his thin arms around me and I felt reassured as usual.  Melting again in his embrace.  These embraces were so beautiful and tight.  Long, lingering hold.  This beautiful intensity, I would steal and keep to myself.  I could share him no longer.

We quickly escaped from there.  Where was I to make him?  Would he regret it?  I wanted to take him to New Orleans, his first experience and also a new beginning.  A new birth for both of us.

When we arrived in New Orleans, I welcomed that sweet perfume again.  The rains of the season had left a fresh coat on the empty streets.  It was very late.  All I knew was that I had been tempted by him for so long and the rush I felt was overpowering me now.  These awkward little moments.  When he pulled me to him and told me how long he had wanted and hoped for me, I wanted him to release this.  His eyes were still filled with agony.  With each stroke of his hand on my face and a kiss on my forehead I grew, I needed.  The love I felt for him was tragic.  I wanted to share myself with him.  I suddenly found myself gripping at him and tasting him under my lips.  He was so beautiful.  Forgive me I pleaded.

He held me firmly and I ripped into him.  He pulsed with me and we fell to the ground on our knees.  I wanted to consume him, completely.  This fluid every bit as intense as I expected from this beautiful soul.  He let me do this.  He pulled me to him and encouraged me.  Gush forth this hot liquid into my mouth as I licked at him.  What a beautiful beast he would soon be.  He was already fighting animal instincts, he needed release.

As he was tugging at me and my clothing desperately searching for a spot of my flesh to open, I was in a fever.   He could naturally follow his gut and have what he wanted.  I held his head as he looked up at me, the blood smeared along his sweet chin and lips.  He wanted the taste so much.  He was biting hard at the flesh below my stomach, twisting and tearing.  Finally with a hunger so strong he tore into me and I found myself up against his face, my arms wrapped around his head.  What have I unleashed?

I loved his fury, this pain and anger.  He was illuminated.  Eyes full with tears and that unspoken understanding.  With it, a new bond.  His eyes once again piercing my soul, my insides were one with his.  He felt rage and so did I.

I think we were in that spot for hours but I did not know, nor did I care because time which had mattered so much before, was nothing now.  Now, he was preserved in his beauty.  Timeless and ageless.  So was I.  Now we knew we could finally be with each other and without worry or limit.  We had the world and I had so much to show him.  I was amazed how he clung to me still after he finished me.  I stroked his head and whispered, “no worries and no regrets”.

daylight is fading.  that time of year when it gets dark at four, except it is cloudy and darker than usual.   the time of day which is the most beautiful, yet the most fleeting.   twilight.

it was always a time of heightened awareness to me.  my senses like that of a creature setting out into the evening to hunt.   i always wondered where that came from. 

rush hour traffic again.  we barrel down the highway.  we left way too late. 

the rain trickles down the windshield and lights from the city and other cars refract into a zillion tiny dots.

in an instant.  a sound so loud.  a force so great.  glass sprays everywhere and simultaneously i feel my ribs crush all at once.

twitching,
fading,
static.

i just stare.

i can feel something tickling my forehead…what is that?

falling or floating, i can’t really tell.  i can’t feel myself.  i can’t move.  i think of my two cats.  my heart aches.

am i fighting?  am i letting go?  i cannot tell what is happening, i just feel tremendous worry and a sense of urgency but is it pointless?  i just wait.  i am waiting.  sleeping, it feels like sleeping.  this must be a joke. 

all i can hear is that rain, or a kind of static. 

Mmmmmm.

clear as a bell!!!!  so deep in my head!  it jolts me, this raspy voice in my ear.   i could feel the warmth of it.  someone’s breath in my ear.  i heard that right?
i really heard that… i think.  i was not imagining it. 

i open my eyes and gasp for air.  terrified.

i clench my jaw and your fingers dig deeper.

you want to destroy me and i need for you to that much more

the rain pours on our faces

your face bleeds,

your eyes run into black pools

destroy me…i want you to, i want you to.

that blade catches my throat and you are thrilled at the sight of it
you jog and stomp your feet in place,
laughing and spewing rainwater in my face.

TAKE IT!!!!                i shout in your face.

the blade starts to part the flesh but you just giggle maniacally,
snap the knife back and gaze in a fever at the red mess dripping off the metal.

you groan at me and then press the damn thing up to your lip.

you make me want to cry.

i wish i could take your hurt and i am sorry that i left.
as we sit in silence, it hurts me that much more,
but nothing is said about it and we move on like we did before.

i can’t help but feel awful, i hate how i have to leave.
as i drive home down haunted streets,
every thing and place holds a tale or memory.

the difference is that you can’t leave it.

it feels so sad to me,

that i can escape this haunted place,

and you can’t seem to get free.

night again, same time, same place

anticipate, want

rush

shuffle, push, gather

panic

pull it open, so eager

hands crave filth, give me

sweet iron, intoxicates

eyes follow, predatory

exchange and hope

chase, tease, beg

heat it, meld it, watch me, watch me

grease clings on arms

dust covered passes me by

hang on every word

never end

please don’t end

these are words that people typically use to describe me.

To me, those words really mean:

real, honest, passionate and sensative…